The Mother’s Day Conversation Most Families Avoid

The following article is by Kim Potgieter, Certified Financial Planner, author and coach; who gives us some valuable insight into money management strategies that can not only provide South Africans with independence but also help one thrive in the financial world:

This Sunday, many of us will buy the flowers, plan the lunch, and send messages of gratitude. We will celebrate the women who shaped us. But there is another kind of gift we could be giving the parents we love, and it is the one most families would rather avoid.

It is a conversation about what happens when one of them is left behind.

One of my retired clients spent years avoiding this conversation with her husband. He kept reassuring her that the money was “all taken care of,” and she believed him. When he passed away, it turned out their financial affairs were not in order at all. She did not know where certain assets were. She could not access some of the accounts. She had no clear picture of where the money from a property sale had gone. It took her years to piece everything together, all while she was grieving.

She is not unusual. Too many people walk into my office after losing a partner, only to realise they do not know how their financial world actually works. They do not know what they own, what they owe, or where to begin. And they are trying to figure it all out at the worst possible moment.

An old pattern, quietly inherited

In many families, especially in older generations, there was a clear division of roles. One partner handled the money. The other trusted that everything was in place.

If your parents are now in their seventies or eighties, they were married in a time when both the law and social norms supported this arrangement. Before 1984, a husband had legal control over many financial decisions in a marriage, and that shaped how couples managed their money for decades.

The laws changed. The patterns often did not.

That is where the risk sits. When one person carries all the financial responsibility, the other is left without the understanding they may need later. It also places a heavy burden on the partner managing it all.

I have worked with families who could not find a will. With surviving partners who watched accounts freeze because everything was in one name. With widows who did not know what bills needed paying, how the investments were structured, or even how to switch on the computer.

In those moments, the simplest tasks become impossible.

The conversation worth having now

Starting a “what if” conversation with your parents, especially about money, can feel like stepping into something that is not yours to manage. But it does not have to be intrusive. Often, all you are really saying is: I want to understand how things work. I want to know that if something happens, you will not be left trying to figure everything out alone.

You do not need to cover everything in one go. A few areas, though, make a real difference.

Do they both know where the original will is kept and how to access it? Do they both know what they own, what they owe, and how their finances are structured? Can they both get into the bank accounts and investments? Do they know what needs to be paid each month, and how those payments are made? Can they find the medical aid information, the tax records, the property documents? Do they have each other’s passwords, and could they get into the phones, computers and online accounts if they had to? Do they know who to call for help, whether it is a financial planner, an attorney, or an accountant?

Then ask the question that matters more.

Do they feel confident?

There is a difference between knowing something exists and understanding how it works. That understanding is what creates confidence when it matters most.

A different kind of gift

I have seen the difference these conversations make. When they do not happen, families are left searching for information and making decisions under pressure. When they do, there is clarity, and a sense that even in a difficult time, things are manageable.

This Mother’s Day, alongside the flowers, take the time to understand how things work in your parents’ world. It is a quieter kind of love. But it is the kind that lasts.

Kim Potgieter is a Certified Financial Planner, author, and coach. For more information, visit the Chartered Wealth website.